I am writing this post after having a lovely time hanging out with a great guy that I met recently. What is stands out about this is not that I went out on a date, but that I decided to delete all of my online profiles for the various dating websites I tried to use at various times.
It Wasn’t Working
I hated online dating. I tried. Honestly I did. But, I noticed that I would get creepers, guys with a black girl fetish, and dudes who basically lied on their profile. I was honest on my profile give or take 5 pounds and that’s expected.
I was honest about:
- My height
- My education
- What I hoped for
- The activities that I enjoyed participating in.
But, every time I ended up online I felt like it was work. In the inevitable moments where I had “connected” with a nice guy, it felt like we would get sucked into endless emails and never actually met. Meaningless emails about our days, our interests, and minutiae that could have been covered face to face over coffee or at happy hour.
It Was a Waste of Time
I couldn’t figure out why online dating wasn’t working for me. I continued paying the money for monthly subscriptions, and I even had occasional dates that would find me sitting across from the other person awkwardly trying not to place any unnecessary expectations on them that they couldn’t meet.
Heavy Sigh
Falling in love shouldn’t feel like work. I would tell my mom that I hated online dating for that very reason…similar to when I told my mom that I hated working for other people. I should have listened to myself.
Each month as my subscription would withdraw from my account I would find myself feeling a bit bitter and frustrated as my friends shared their success stories online. I was happy for them but it just wasn’t working for me.
I Unsubscribed
The cost to my wallet and my well-being just wasn’t worth it. I felt demoralized. Instead, I decided to focus on me. I continued working on my finances and my mindset. And, after the last disappointing round of online dating, I decided to commit to meeting guys in real life…outside of my house.
The money that I saved on online dating subscriptions instead paid for event participation and debt repayments. I began seeking out events and organizations that aligned with my interests and beliefs and were free for me to participate in.
I began to meet people. And I realized that I wasn’t the only person looking for connections,community and for love. I also found that I wasn’t the only person who just couldn’t get the online process to work.
I won’t be returning to online dating ever again. I am so much happier meeting great guys organically in my day to day life. Now, I will say that it doesn’t hurt that I live in a town nicknamed “Menver.” But, like many people, I overthought the dating process.
To meet someone naturally you just need to show up where they are. So I did.
Where to Meet People?
In real life? Because I also wanted to meet people in general, not just men to date but like-minded people who could give me a better sense of community in my . Please note that this list is specific to my interests and where I live-but, you can use this list as a guide for you if you’re struggling to figure out where to meet people. Remember, that person you meet might have a sibling/cousin/friend/or colleague that they could connect you with.
- MeetUp.com-I cannot state enough how much I love MeetUp. Now, I do know that each city has a different MeetUp community. The one in Denver/Boulder is VERY vibrant, very active and just has a huge number of actual groups to join.
- Hiking groups-I LOVE hiking. I can’t get enough of it. Fortunately, there are a crazy number of hiking groups here.
- Foodie groups-I love to break bread with new people and Denver/Boulder now has a serious food scene.
- Chair Lift Speed Dating-I snowboard, and there are actual speed dating events that have you sit with a “new to you person” and ride up the mountain with them.
- Because I Said I Would Denver Chapter-I am working very hard to be a person of my word. Because I Said I Would is an amazing movement of other like-minded people. There are monthly volunteer opportunities and monthly meetups.
- The November Project Denver Chapter-lots of nice sweaty hugs after a kick@ss workout. And-it’s free!
- Volunteering-What are you passionate about? Volunteer with an organization that is in alignment with that.
- Coffee shops/bars/libraries-Become a regular. I pop into a couple of places regularly. I make a point to learn the names of the owners of those businesses/libraries that I patronize.
- Side Hustles-Yep, I met someone when I was working a side-hustle. Super fun, and a great guy.
- Running groups-I’m finally training for that 1/2 marathon that I’ve mentioned for 3 or 4 years now…ahem…fortunately, there are free running groups that I can join and train with other people working on a similar goal.
- Gun Clubs-Hey, you might be that person. Need to work on your firearms safety skills? This may be the place for you.
- Join a Political Group-There is usually a group for what you believe in and will fight for. Join a group and advocate for your beliefs.
- Co-Working Spaces-Work from home? Drop in at a co-working space throughout the month. I don’t want to pay for a dedicated space but I do need to work away from home at least once a week. I’ve really enjoyed meeting other entrepreneurs in Denver while working at amazing co-working spaces.
- Explore new places! I’m making a point of exploring different parts of my city and hanging out in new coffee shops or going to events in different parts of the city. It’s a great way to learn more about my city and meet new people. Basically, I’ve become a tourist in my own town.
- Dance Class-I’m a dancer. And even though I’m a dancer carrying an extra…26 pounds…I still love dancing. I’ve begun attending dance classes again and have also begun participating in Groove3 which is a fitness-focused dance class as well.
- Activity leagues-Enjoy bowling? Volleyball, kickball, or dodgeball? There is a league out there waiting for you to join it.
But, the biggest change to my dating life has been an intangible-confidence. I’m a heck of a lot more confident now a days and it’s because I no longer participate in activities that make me feel like crap about myself.
And, that’s what online dating did. I just felt rejected and crappy all of the time. No more! I’m awesome. And, I feel awesome thus reinforcing my sense of confidence. There is love out there for everyone! There are billions of people in the world and I am of the belief that there is more than one person meant for me. Timing is usually an issue…no longer.
Do you online date?
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Honestly I tried but with some men is been a endless share of email without real meeting with other only one coffe and with few is began a good friendship but I must to admit I hate dating website infact i deleted my profile from any kind of dating site too. I’m more focused on me and who is really interested call to meet in real life, ..
I’ve tried: Match, OK Cupid, Eharmony, and I think one other and I hated them all. I just ended up sending endless emails which drove me crazy. Let’s meet and then move on. You saying that you’ve had a smiliar experience makes me feel like it’s not all that unusual. I’ve just found it much easier to meet people “in real life” but I discovered the hard way that I had to commit to that process.
I LOVE the ski lift speed dating idea! And that you are putting yourself out there. Like you say you might not meet the one but the person may introduce you to more people. Happy for you, you rock!
Thanks Pauline! I’m very excited for ski lift speed dating. The only funny thing about that is I always struggle with getting off the ski lift LOL!
Thanks for this blog post, I thought it was just me! At the start of the year I decided I would be proactive about my love life, but I admit I threw in the towel after about a week. Too many jeepers creepers and I’m definitely tired of being someone’s black girl fetish 😉 It didn’t take me very long to realize that online dating simply wasn’t for me. I love Meetup too, but I also realized I didn’t care to go looking for dates anymore either. I stopped looking for Mr. Right and decided to just be open to learning about people, accepting our similarities and our differences and letting friendships blossom from there. I’ve met some awesome people along the way (including you) and realized love comes in many forms and I’m quite happy and even feel free to just be me. If a partner is to come around, cool! I’d much rather be in this “happy with me” place when he does. If not that’s cool too, I’ve found that when you go out to places like you mentioned above you find there are actually lots of happily single people who make great friends and companions. I say just enjoy the ride ya know what I’m sayin *in a Jersey accent I don’t really have*
Lynn, you don’t have a Jersey accent LOL! I just felt like why has falling in love become work? That’s not a sexy look. I am having a great time and interestingly enough have met a ton of great people. I’m a lot more relaxed and just feel happy about life in general. I also don’t want to place unnecessary expectations on people that I’m meeting and creating unnecessary pressure on myself to be a certain way. I do think that because we’ve gotten out of the habit of actively being social “in real life” that people do need some gentle reminders about the places that they could go to to meet humans.
I’m not a fan of online dating at all. It was a waste of time. I tried POF for a few months last year. I didn’t have any connections. I’d rather meet people in real life.
I got some freaks on POF, I totally forgot about that site LOL! Meeting people in real life is so much easier.
Weirdly different from my experience… I’m 31, and not black, so perhaps helps a little! But yeah, I’ve been on POF where I met my ex (of almost 4 years, and funnily enough, he’s back there too!). I’ve dated three guys in the past month of two – two dates, three dates, and four dates respectively. The two date’r was African (and suspected I had a kink – I did not, and he wasn’t for me). The three date’r was Colombian and is ‘home’ for five weeks, so that cooled that one! The third is more local, and currently close to perfect! I think the key to online dating (for me) is to chat a little to get a good vibe or not, and then suggest a meet. I did have one guy last minute cancel, saying he’d found a recent suicide body. Fine – but then he never ever contacted me again. Anyhoo! I suppose my life I don’t meet men (I play water polo, but trainings are gender segregated, I go to a very ‘gay’ church and a older demographic, I work with all men, but I’m the boss… etc etc). So online dating is the best option and is seeming to work!
I didn’t really bring this up in my post but black women do have a difficult time dating online. That said-I’m a pretty extroverted persona and I’ve never met a stranger. So, I’m finding that just focusing on being myself and recognizing opportunities to meet people is the key. It has been much easier on me and I’ve found it to be a much more natural and comfortable process of connecting with people. The key for meeting guys (and people in general) is getting active-literally. I hike, bike, snowboard, etc. and always meet people each time. That’s where the people I want to meet are at in Denver.
As long as I go outside my house-I meet people! Now, I just make sure that I go outside my house.